A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying swine! You've been playing golf!".
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The Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $5,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,
and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches
each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'
The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."